Lost."

Monday, September 24, 2007 - Random Musings~ yet again~ :

Hmm.. been stoning for quite abit instead of studying recently, even when i'm aware that I have only 5 WEEKS left to A levels, which is pathetically short and at the rate i'm going now, I've pretty much sealed my fate.

Now, at least i when i was stoning, I did thought of quite abit of stuff (kinda reminds me of the GP compre about not having enough time to stare and think or something). However, the only problem now is whether if i still remember what i reflected about in my head that time...
(i feel like i'm some emo kid emo-ing on a blog after reading through what i've typed *roll eyes*)

1.Sorry,Pai Seh, Hello, *wave*, Thank You

From young, i don't really have the habit of saying "sorry" or "thank you" to people. This is probably because my dad and mum haven't been setting a good example (PROBABLY! I'M NOT ACCUSING THEM OR ANYTHING :X) because when ever they said "sorry" or "thank you", neither of them sounded sincere, more like they are saying it for the sake of saying. Well not just them, even i myself find it very awkward when saying "thank you" and "sorry". I mean, if i did something wrong to someone, of course i'd say sorry to him. But then, everytime i said it, i had this insincere feeling as in i felt that the "sorry" i just said sounded very insincere. I don't know why but i always have this feeling. Hence, unknowingly i picked up a habit of saying "Pai Seh" if i did something wrong that affected someone. Although i believe its nothing close to being sincere, at least i don't have that wierd feeling. Gah, after typing these i just realised i'm just avoiding the problem... saying ps all the time to me is like a automated reaction whenever i did something wrong. It did NOT contain any sincerity.. most of the time. One very obvious example is basketball. I knocked onto someone, all i did was :"eh shit psps you ok anot? *waits 1 sec for reply*" then i just run off to continue the match. I guess saying "Sorry" is very hard..

"Thank You" on the other hand, is easier. Every now and then i've been able to say "Thx" without much trouble. However, this only occurs to people i'm close with, those that i often mix with. There were numerous occasion where i know i had to say thank you but i couldn't find the right timing to say it. Sometimes when i do say it, it came out too soft and no one catched it. Last friday, after going out with my cousin, her family treat me for dinner, and for the whole course of the dinner i felt very stiff because i don't know how to say thank you for their dinner. i was like sitting there planning on when to say it and in the end i decided to say it before we part ways. Yet when i said it, their "good byes" drowned away my "thanks" =_= Of course i felt bad after that, knowing that they must be thinking that i'm some ungrateful brat freeloading people's generousity. What to do? *sigh* i guess i'm not good at this kind of things.

Simple greetings to each other is also another thing i often neglect. Most of the time i'd pretend i didn't see the person coming. Be it teachers, people i know but not close to, or anyone that gives me a reason to say "hi". But, its very demoralising when you actually said "hi" or waved at the person and they did not catch it and ignored you (i assume). Very embarrassing isn't it? Hence i've no longer try to greet anyone i'm not close to, unless they gave hints of being aware that i'm there. Another selfish point of mine eh? Therefore, if one day me on the street or in school where it looks pretty obvious that i should be able to spot you yet i did not greet you, most probably i'm waiting for your signal or maybe i REALLY did not know you were there, or i'm simply too shy to say hi to you lol

2. Relationships: Love, infatuation, puppylove, "like", yada-yada~

Relationship is like a double-edged sword. It goes both ways. Both parties are affected, be it good or bad and both parties are responsible for it. I've seen afew relationships going on in my life and even had an experience of it (bad one though) and so far i've only seen one or two couples that are mutually in love. The rest, sadly, are most oftenly one sided, or infatuations. i don't blame them for getting together or clinging onto a one sided relationship. Afterall, love is blind isn't it? I'm pretty much a noob at this kind of thing so i'm probably writing crap for this topic so don't go flaming me if i said something wrong. Being in love is a wonderful thing, its like upgrading your life, bringing it to the next enjoyable level. Everyday will be a wonderful day so long as your partner is there. I can list several sad people who are still living in their joyful illusion of love while their lives are getting ruined by it. -------------hmm i can't recall what i thought of this topic while i was stoning... In any case, i've stolen this from some blog on my list (hmm *whistles* i wonder who~) which i think is indeed very meaningful.

Do you know what's the most heartbreaking distance on earth?
It's when people who are worlds apart get to know each other and fall in love,and come very close together.
And then one day, they no longer love each other, so they drift apart, to such an extent that the distance between them is even further than when they first met.
And they have to keep this distance from now on..

Indeed it is, i hate it when people drift away from me (do note that i'm emphasizing on the last 2 points only). Its like the worst feeling you can ever get. Especially when that person has somehow impact your life. But all too often, such drifts are inevitable isn't it? You don't even know if your pri skool classmates are still alive, your secondary classmates are losing touch with you and how long can your 2 years worth of friendship in JC gonna last after A levels? I seriously don't want any of them to be just "Hi, bye" friends. But looking at the way things are now... i hope it won't happen. (why is this under this topic anyway?)

My thoughts are too jumbled up to form any sensible posts at the moment BUT i swear that quote i've stole is damn meaningful and i'll be talking more abt it after i've consolidated my thoughts. I guess i'll leave this crapload of bull i've typed as it is for now.

I swear i almost teared after reading it. It was so true.

to be continued...

||Konota|| popped by at [8:10 PM]*